But… What About What I Want?

I can literally hear my mother saying, “Dee, won’t always get what you want”. I get it. The world doesn’t revolve around my wants or wishes. 2020 is was a physical representation of everything I didn’t want. Please don’t pull out the “I Won’t Complain” funeral song, I have more than a few things to be thankful for. God has been good to me!

I feel like I’m in a new era of my life, and I’m pretty excited about it. I was so timid about certain things, and it held me back. I hesitated with taking a few risks because the thought of failure loves to hover over me. But, on my father’s death bed in Hospice, I made him a few promises. There were some things that my father wanted me to complete in my lifetime and I’m putting some plans into motion. I hate that he won’t be here to see it. This honestly makes me sick to my stomach. But, my heavenly father already approves… so that’s satisfaction enough for me.

As I’m approaching my birthday in just a few weeks, I realize how good God has been to me. I’ve worked hard and it’s paid off. I’m still unlearning that “church girl” culture. Colloquially speaking, “church girl culture” is when you allow people to impede upon my space and time in the name of Jesus. It’s like allowing your life to be controlled by religious jargon and everyone else but God.

I’ve also learned how to open up my mouth. How many times have we just settled for things because we refused to speak up? For a long drawn out season, I was forced to sit in a pool of unhappiness and the Lord just told me to wade in the water. In other words, God didn’t give me what I wanted. It was frustrating because I know God saw how I was being treated and ostracized for being me. Honestly, I would have handled things different if I was God (wishful thinking). But, his thoughts are higher and I am finally letting go of what I wanted so that God can give me what he has.

I’ve given priceless gems to “dogs” to tear up, and then got mad at the dogs because they weren’t competent enough to recognize gems when they are given to them.

My life verse is this:

Matthew 7:6 ESV

“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.

I’ve given priceless gems to “dogs” to tear up, and then got mad at the dogs because they weren’t competent enough to recognize gems when they are given to them. Wheww, I know this language is harsh, but take it up with my Rabbi. Nevertheless, this blog is for the woman struggling to revamp her goals and aspirations because life didn’t go as planned. I’ll be the first to admit that I am not where I want to be. I can speak in tongues all day long and clearly declare in this english: I AM NOT WHERE I WANT TO BE.

I’m not possessed.

I’m not ungrateful.

I’m not traumatized.

I’m being honest.

I think if more people were honest, Christ would be more appealing to others than tarot card readers…. but that’s another discussion, right?

Here is what I know, I have been adamant about what I want in prayer and the Lord keeps reminding me that he did not lie. In the past 6 months, God has revealed himself to be a miracle worker. Let me write that again MIRACLE WORKER. If you’re working through some disappointment, consider fasting until the heaviness breaks. I will fast until my mindset shifts. I don’t care how inconvenient it is, my peace is worth the crucifixion of my flesh.

Keep believing until you see it.

I will fast until my mindset shifts. I don’t care how inconvenient it is, my peace is worth the crucifixion of my flesh.

Now, there are most likely some instances when you low key self-sabotaged your own progress. The sooner you own it, the sooner you’ll advance. Then, you have to consider the whole concept of “hindering spirits”. Delay is a form of a hindering spirit and so is sabotage. If you are surrounded by people that you know hinder your progress, it’s time to set some boundaries. I don’t care if it’s your mom, your spiritual father or your baby daddy. You can not continue to sacrifice your potential success to make other people feel comfortable. Cut it out.

Finally, you’ve got to trust God. If you have to attend a prayer meeting every day to remember the promises of God and not the disappointments - do it. Isolation will kill you if you thoughts are negative. Consider joining my book club! Books are an amazing gateway and words are healing.

Trusting God is difficult, don’t let anyone lie to you. After a great victory, trusting God seems easier. However, after a season of defeats - you’ll need a little help in the trust department. One of things that has freed me has been God’s communication with me through visions and dreams. Last year, I decided I wouldn’t rely on my dreams because I was faced with a series of issues that made me feel like I misunderstood God. Three days after I made that statement, a friend of my texted me and said, “You are due for a season of dreams both revelational and directional. Don’t despise them, don’t disregard them, they are the doorway into the next season of your life”.

Needless to say, I take all of my dreams and visions seriously. However God speaks to you, take it seriously. God is the best leader ever, we just have learn how to be better followers. So, let’s get back to the things you want. I don’t know if you’re going to get everything you want, but you will get what God promised. Trust that God knows what to give you and also when to give it to you.

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