I have a pretty optimistic view on life. I’m always the person that people call when they are going through a crisis. I honestly don’t mind it. I understand that ministry is a selfless thing and sacrifice is just one of the prerequisites to the call. I purposely study my word, not just for academic purposes or personal pleasure, but for evangelistic purposes. I always want to have a word of encouragement for everyone that crosses my path. In my opinion, that’s the epitome of being “salt and light” (Matthew 5:13-16). However, I am in no way immune to having a bad day or breaking completely down.
I have fears (bugs, Starbucks closing down, clowns……just to name a few).
I’ve felt completely hopeless.
I’ve questioned God.
I’ve hit rock bottom. ROCK. BOTTOM.
I’m not perfect.
I’ve depended on other people to fulfill me emotionally….big mistake.
I’ve been trapped by this expectation to set an example for others… but the same people who claimed to “look up to me” stabbed me in my back when they saw the window of opportunity. Yep. Yikes.
I’ve had people steal from me. I’m not talking about imitation, I’m talking money. Coins. Dollar, dollar bills y’all (this is a rap song reference).
I’m learned to be strong. To trust in the Lord with my entire heart. To be the best daughter I can be. I know I’m not perfect, but I am the type of person that wants to be the bride without spot or wrinkle.
I’ve learned to sing a song in a strange land. I’ve learned how to endure painful situations, alone. The only reason I have survived because I believe that the suffering I have experienced is nothing in comparison to what’s coming (Romans 8:21-23). But somewhere along this Christian journey, I lost the beauty of being broken.
I’m not a heretic, I just believe that God is still glorified in my brokenness. I’m human, I make mistakes, and that shouldn’t be shocking. Story time: I have a cousin that I’ve been trying to get to visit my father’s church in Asheville for years. Her excuse is that she needs to get her life together first and buy some church clothes. Why do we feel that we have to get it together to come to God? God wants every part of you and the parts of you that need to change, he’ll do in time. It’s ok to not have it all together! God just wants you!
Believe or not, you are not less than because you have something you struggle with. Let’s be real, most Christians are going through things far deeper than want they present on social media. I talk to leaders on a weekly basis, I can tell you firsthand that leaders struggle. Unfortunately, most of them are held to this religious standard that requires them to be a façade of their true self.
Here’s the word: It’s ok to be broken so that you can be restored. Often times, we find ourselves in a spiritual war within ourselves because we don’t want to release some mindsets, dreams, and aspirations. This can be a painful process that can lead to sleepless nights, mounds of tissue, snot, tears, mood swings, prayer, confession and surrender. Psalm 34:18 says that God is CLOSE to the broken heart. That means you don’t have to be strong to get his attention. God is there in your weakness. He’s perfecting you, not the photo shopped version of yourself, but the broken you.
I’m an advocate for community, but there will be moments when you won’t have anyone else but God. Sure, you’ll have friends and associates you can call on to go to dinner with, but there may be a time when you won’t have anyone that you can share your pain with…. but God. You don’t need to ask God for more friends, you need to ask God to help you see that he’s more than enough. Please don’t misunderstand me, you need accountability, but your ultimate source of fulfillment must come from God.
If you’re in a dry season, just know it’s ok to be angry and frustrated. It’s ok to not be ok, just don’t live there.