I'm Here

I talked to my Dad today on the phone...and I can’t get even get the phrase “I love you” out of my mouth without tears streaming down my face.

For a moment, I wasn’t sure if he heard me. His response was a bit delayed. Then he said, “I love you too Dee. I’m ok”.

My mom plays him videos of me preaching all day every day. She says that he always points to the screen and says, "That's Dee. That's my baby".

He's so proud of me, even in pain. I look at him push himself almost everyday. Every time a nurse tells me a joke about him or informs me of his day to day progress, I comment, "that's my daddy". I tell him everyday that I'm proud of him, just like he told me every single day.

Even when he falls out of the bed.

Even when food misses his mouth.

Even when he struggles to communicate.

I tell him that I'm proud of him.

I know this process has been a lot on him. I know he overhears the uncertainty in the tone of his doctors and nurses. But I want my voice to resound in his ear. Even though his steps are a little shorter. Even though it takes him a little longer to process. I'm proud of him. That's my Daddy.

Bye Bye Bye.....

This has been such an interesting season. I’ve had so many segments of bad news since January, I really don’t know how I’m still here. Every aspect of my life has been challenged and faith has been tested on levels that I never anticipated. But, I’m here.

I look at my mom and weep. I honestly don’t know how she does it it all! She’s so strong....and she’s hysterical! I pray for her several times a day. I pray for her peace. I also pray for individuals that may cross her path in a malicious way.... she is not the one to be played with. My mom has also become quite the intercessor. Her discernment has always been keen, but now I really see her spiritual gifts at work. It’s really a blessing!

This week, I’ve struggled with answering the simple question, "how are you?". 8 out of 10 times, I’ll respond by saying "I’m here”. It’s a honest answer that I should probably explain.

Exodus 24:12

The Lord said to Moses, “Come up to me on the mountain and stay here, and I will give you the tablets of stone with the law and commandments I have written for their instructions.

When God called Moses to Mount Sinai to receive the tablets of the law, God literally said “come up to me on the mountain and be here”. Once I came across this translation in a commentary, I found the Lord’s instruction to Moses to be extremely repetitive.

If Moses comes up the mountain, wouldn’t he already be there? The majority of translators interpret the text as simply saying Moses should “wait here” or “stay here”. One 19th century Rabbi named Menachem Mendel of Kotz spun a lovely sermon out of most biblical interpretation of this scripture, he said,

If a person exerts himself and ascends to the summit, it is energy to a destination, yet arrive there with their head and thoughts remaining at the original point of departure [1].

It’s entirely possible for a person to expend a great deal of energy getting to a destination, yet arrive there with head and thoughts remaining at the original point of departure. I’ve often reflected on my own journey and said to myself, “This journey has been rough”. I’m not saying that this is a habit that you should adopt, I’m just ministering to you out of my own mess.

Sometimes, I place my focus on the wind and waves instead of the one who has already declared, “Peace be still”.

Sometimes, I place my focus on the wind and waves instead of the one who has already declared, “Peace be still”. Honestly, I can send myself into an anxiety attack if I reflect on past three months too long. Every height that I experienced seemed to be accompanied by an even deeper low. So, at the beginning of January, I fasted to break that cycle off of my life.

Thankfully, my intercessors joined me in prayer without my prompting. The Holy Spirit told them it was time for war and they took out their swords and fought with me. My friend Dr. Rhonda literally had to talk me through a interesting situation. She said, “Dr. Dee Evans will not be punked by a devil”. I agreed.

So, I got up from my floor, tired.. but with a new perspective. Did God show off? Of course he did!

That situation made me pause.

It made me confused.